Provocative Anger, Avoiding Anger In Your Home

The word provocative is often used to make something seem appealing, however, when it comes to parenting provocation is prohibited.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:1–4, ESV)

Parental authority has not been given to you in order to frustrate your kids and tempt them with anger, it has been given to you in order to protect them from anger. Parents must be very careful in this area because provoking a child to anger is almost always unintentional, which is why it is helpful to consider some of the ways parents can provoke their kids.

• Prideful parenting - always right, never confesses sin, never admits mistakes

• Angry parenting  - sinful speech, selfish, inconvenienced, modeling what you are not supposed to provoke

• Inconsistent parenting - kids never know when they will get in trouble or what they are going to get in trouble for

• Controlling parenting - constantly micromanaging every detail of life according to your preferences

• Weak parenting  - allowing them to always get their way will create problems when they can’t get their way

• Overreactive parenting - constantly making a bigger deal out of something than it really is

• Perfectionist parenting - demanding your kids make no mistakes, exhibiting no patience, getting angry over spilling a drink

• Competitive parenting - comparing kids to siblings, yourself, or cultural expectations

• Man-pleasing parenting - worried about what people will think

• Manipulative parenting - forcing your kids to comply through ungodly means and emotional ploys, mocking

• Distracted parenting - you are with your kids, but really at work or on the phone.

• Presumptuous parenting - you always know everything before you even hear what happened or hear their perspective

• Hypercritical parenting - you demand your kids meet a standard that you refuse to pursue

• Joyless parenting - you are constantly despairing, there is no joy, no enjoyment of God’s blessings in your home

• Grudge-bearing parent - you won’t let go of something even after it has been dealt with and forgiveness has been granted

• Fearful parenting - everything will kill you or ruin your life, no trust in the Lord

• Critical parenting - only interaction with your kids is to criticize them, no positive reinforcement or relationship

• Promise-breaking parenting - always making and forgetting promises and commitments to your kids

• Worldly parenting - borrowing techniques from worldly wisdom, following advice from guests on Oprah

You could certainly expand this list, but each of these patterns of parenting will almost certainly lead to patterns of anger in your children. Think of it this way, it would be hard for you to be under someone who exercised their authority in these ways, so don’t make it hard on your kids. God does not want your kids to be angry, which is why He has commanded you not to provoke them. When you do, make sure you repent and seek their forgiveness—you have sinned against them.

This is an excerpt from The Christian Home: Principles for Managing and Maintaining a Godly Family. You can read more on the subject of parenting along with principles for marriage in The Christian Home.