Parenting and Honor, The Duty of Kids

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:1–4, ESV)

Obedience is what God requires and when children obey their parents they conform to God’s requirement. This means, parents, that God’s requirement in the Bible must become your requirement in the home. To put it simply, if God requires obedience in the home, then parents must require it as well. You must patiently and consistently teach your kids obedience because they must obey God (Rom 6:17). As a young child, I remember arguing with my dad because I did not understand why he was making me do something. His response has stuck with me to this day. He said, “Son, if you can’t obey me when you don’t understand why, you’ll never be able to obey God when you don’t understand why.” When you teach obedience to your child you are training them to submit to God’s authority even when they don’t like it or understand it. This must be part of the reason why Paul says that obedience is “right.”

The ultimate motivation for obedience is rooted in the fact that it is right. It is righteous in God’s sight, fitting in light of God’s truth, and appropriate to God’s design for children to obey their parents. In fact, we know it is right for children to obey their parents because God commanded it and He is never wrong. Paul must have known that,since he was dealing with kids, he should anticipate the question “Why?” Paul is essentially saying, children need to obey their parents because God said so and it is the right thing to do. Conversely, it is inherently wrong for children to disobey their parents (Rom 1:30; 2 Tim 3:2). When parents and children alike forget this point they begin to waiver on the requirement of obedience. Kids begin to question the need for obedience when it contradicts their own sensibilities. Parents begin to question the need to enforce obedience when it contradicts their own comfort. Parents and kids alike must remember that children must obey parents because this is right in God’s eyes.

For parents, conformity to God’s will in this area will require diligent and intentional effort on your part. God demands obedience but our little “bundles of sin” won’t automatically conform to this requirement. You must patiently encourage obedience, and consistently deal with disobedience. Don’t teach your kid that they only get in trouble when they annoy you, teach them that disobedience is always dangerous and displeasing to God. Additionally, you must expect obedience, and never excuse disobedience. Your child is not too young, too tired, too hungry, too much of a boy, or too much of a teenage girl to heed Paul’s command. Paul provides no caveats, and neither should parents. You must graciously enforce first time obedience, because anything less is disobedience and you don’t want to reinforce rebellion. For example, “I’m going to count to three” is just another way of saying I am going to give you two free passes to rebel against my authority. This is not what you want to train your children in. Your home should be the training ground for joyful obedience to the Lord, not another opportunity for children to hone their already adept skills at rebellion.

Children are commanded to HONOR their parents

In addition to obedience, verses 2-3 command children to honor their parents. Here, Paul quotes from the decalogue to remind readers of the command to honor their parents. This quotation demonstrates that mere outward compliance with a parent’s instruction does not fulfill a child’s obligation before God. True obedience does not merely comply with parental authority, it honors parental authority with reverence, deference, trust, devotion, and respect. Practically, it can be difficult to evaluate and enforce this command, however, it usually includes the demonstrable fruits of eye contact, attentiveness, teachable, submissive body language, respectful words, and quick compliance.

Children, you are not obeying God when you are not thinking highly of your parents and accepting the weight of their authority in your lives. You must recognize that what your parents say and require is important because God deems it to be important.

Parents, you need to recognize that it is already difficult for your children to honor you. Don’t make it harder with dishonorable behavior. It is vitally important for you to teach your child to honor your authority and for you to make your authority honorable through a life of personal holiness. Your home needs to be a training ground to teach children to honor God (Jn 5:23-24), which will require you to exemplify a God-honoring life for them. The flesh hates honoring anyone besides self, you will make it so much easier on your child to respect you if you live respectably.

Again, Paul anticipates the question why and points out a motivating reason to obey this command. Before he even finishes quoting from the 10 commandments he points out this is the first command with a promise. This does not mean that this is the first command in the decalogue with a promise—the second commandment has a promise (Ex 20:6). When Paul uses the term first it is with reference to the order of importance this command has in the life of a child. It is foundational for a child to learn to obey his parents in order for that child to learn to obey the rest of God’s commands and receive the rest of God’s promises. Or, to put it another way, this is the first command that will directly affect the life and thinking of your child.

Given the priority of this command, the Christian home must must instill in children that rebellion is neither safe nor satisfying. It is not safe to rebel against the gracious instructions of our God— kids must learn to trust this. It is not satisfying to gratify the lust instead of glorifying the Lord— kids must learn to trust this. You must teach them the general principle that disobedience leads to suffering and obedience leads to blessing. Training children to obey something besides their lust and honor someone besides themselves is the most important discipline you can teach a child. In the end, you cannot save or sanctify your children, but you can train them in this area. If this doesn’t seem like much, Paul’s quotation of the fifth commandment reminds us that there are specific promises and blessings associated with this command.

For instance, children need to learn obedience to their parents “that it may go well with [them].” The point is not that obedience always makes life easier, but it is true that disobedience always makes life miserable. A life spent chasing after every fleshly inclination and worldly temptation will be miserable (Prov 30:17). If you truly want your child to have any hope of a blessed quality of life you need to communicate and enforce boundaries for them. In doing so, you are setting them up for a higher quality of life. Not only is there a quality of life that comes with obedience, but there is also a quantity of life, which Paul indicates when he adds “that you may live long in the land.” Again, the point is not that obedience guarantees a long life, however, it is true that disobedience puts your life in jeopardy. These specific promises were originally given to the people of Israel as a part of the Old Covenant, but the general principle remains true. Disobedience puts a child in spiritual and physical danger, which is another reason why obedience is so important.

All of this brings readers back to the reality that obedience is of the utmost importance in the life of a child. Paul gave his command and supported it with the understanding that it is the preeminent responsibility of children in the Christian home. God places children under parental authority and designed an entire childhood of training in submission as a grace in their lives. When this grace is neglected there will be spiritual repercussions. The family is a sweet blessing from a gracious Lord and in order to enjoy this blessing children must obey and honor their parents. A child’s job in the Christian home is reverent obedience. When a child neglects or rejects this responsibility, no matter what the age, they cut themselves off from the blessings God intends to provide through the family. However, when a child submits to this responsibility the result will be joy, peace, and blessing in the home.

This is an excerpt from The Christian Home: Principles for Managing and Maintaining a Godly Family. You can read more on the subject of parenting along with principles for marriage in The Christian Home.