Parenting and Faithfulness, Dealing with Anger

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:1–4, ESV)

Parenting is a sensitive subject, even for Christians. We all want to be faithful as parents, but we all have a hard time owning up to shortcomings in our parenting. In fact, there may be no aspect of the Christian life people are more self-conscious of and defensive about than the way they raise their children. I could tell you that your study of Scripture is lacking and you would probably agree. I could tell you that you are really falling off in your service at church and you’d probably agree. I could even tell you that your marriage is not totally what God intends and you’d probably agree (and possibly elaborate). But, when a problem with your child’s behavior or your parenting comes up, everyone is tempted to become defensive. In my experience as a pastor, there is no area of life more difficult to receive correction in than parenting. Parents are prone to excuse, ignore, hide, and be embarrassed by struggles with their kids. Too often, they would rather defend what they are doing than receive discipleship from other godly parents. They act as if there is grace available in every area of life except parenting, so they can’t admit any mistakes in the way they shepherd their children.

As in all areas of the Christian life, parents need to be instructed, admonished, and corrected by faithful brothers and sisters armed with the truth (Ps 141:5; Prov 9:8-9). Parents need this kind of help because the world is propagating all kinds of lies about how to raise children, and they are more likely to fall prey to these lies if they cut themselves off from the counsel of others. Additionally, parents need mature believers and shepherds speaking into the life of their family because their own sinful proclivities work against faithful parenting. The input, accountability, and ministry of the saints protects parents from having their own sinful inclinations permeate their ministry in the home. Plus, kids are totally depraved sinners on their own, which is why families need all the means of grace at their disposal. Here’s the point, you need help to maintain the Christian home. Thankfully, God has offered help to those parents who will humble themselves (James 4:6).

Ephesians 6:4 has been given to parents as a grace, and as you approach this verse you need to be willing to receive God’s help. Maybe that helping grace will come in the form of teaching you what you didn’t know before, or maybe it will come in the form of reproving you for not obeying what you already know, or maybe it will come in the form of correcting you on how you should shepherd your kids, or maybe it will come in the form of training you for how to implement God’s truth in your parenting. I don’t know exactly how these truths will affect the way you manage your household, but I know that these are the ways the Spirit uses the Bible in our lives (2 Tim 3:16-17). God did not reveal His truth to affirm everything about your parenting, He gave you His word so that you can order your parenting according to His commands.

Parents must not “Provoke” their Children (v. 4a)

Paul begins verse 4 with a negative command for parents when he says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” Here Paul is warning parents about a danger they must avoid in raising their children, specifically the common temptation of frustrating your children with ungodly shepherding. Paul specifically addresses this command to fathers because they are the head of the family and should hold primary influence on how a child is raised. Even when they are not directly interacting with their children it is their responsibility to make sure this command is being followed. This, however, does not exclude mothers. Dads are the only ones explicitly mentioned in this verse, but they are not the only ones addressed. Paul has already mentioned mothers (v. 3), and since wives are responsible for following the lead of their husbands, their ministries fall under the authority of this command.

This requirement is for all parents and with it Paul is essentially setting the limits of parental authority. It excludes sinful uses of parental authority and places boundaries on the use of legitimate parental authority. As a parent, you do not have the right before God to raise your children however you want. He has placed restrictions on your authority. In this way, parental authority in the Bible is distinct from parental authority in the world—especially in Paul’s day. In the Roman Empire, children existed “for” their father, which made them slaves to the pleasure of their parents. From a biblical perspective, however, the authority of a father is “for” a child, and the entire home is oriented around the pleasure of God. At the root of faithful parenting is the principle that parental authority has been given to parents by God for the spiritual and practical benefit of children. When parents uphold this purpose it pleases the Lord, but when they misuse their authority it provokes a child to anger.

Parents must recognize that anger is a common and dangerous struggle in the heart of a child. When it arises it must be addressed biblically. You must teach your child how to mortify their lusts and not to expect their lust to be gratified. Anger is the flesh’s reaction to an unfulfilled desire, which means you must teach your child how to deal with the flesh when he or she doesn’t get gratification if you want to protect them from anger. Additionally, you must teach your kids that, when their lusts aren’t gratified, anger will not get them what they want. This must start early! From a young age you are either training your kids that anger will get them what they want, or they are training you to capitulate to their sinful anger. You can avoid patterns of anger in the heart of your child simply by training them that anger won’t get them anywhere with you. In all of this, you are teaching your kids that their lust-driven anger will not please the Lord (James 1:20).

This is an excerpt from The Christian Home: Principles for Managing and Maintaining a Godly Family. You can read more on the subject of parenting along with principles for marriage in The Christian Home.